In our previous blog on Speaking Up, we explored assertive communication, what it is and what is looks like practically. However, there is another fundamental part of becoming more assertive that often gets overlooked: learning to let go.
For many people, the biggest barrier isn’t knowing what to say. It’s worrying about how the other person will respond. I know myself I’ve had the best of intentions with the plan to go into conversations confidently and clearly, only to find myself throwing my original plan out the window. When the moment comes, I end up over-explaining, back peddling or compromising in the moment just to avoid potential conflict, disappointment or disapproval. So, how do you we gain the courage to “let go?”
Our clinical psychologist Matt Scerri puts its succinctly, the key is to “do less”. That might sound counterintuitive, but assertiveness isn’t about working hard to manage conversations or carefully controlling how other people respond. It’s about letting go of that responsibility altogether.
If you’re confident that you’re approaching an interaction with respect and empathy, the principles we explored in our original blog on assertiveness, then the other person’s response is ultimately outside your control.
You can feel confident that you’ve communicated in a way that aligns with your values, regardless of how they choose to react. Their response is their responsibility; yours is to express yourself honestly, respectfully, and with compassion.
If someone reacts with anger, defensiveness, or discomfort, that doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve done something wrong. As long as you’ve communicated respectfully, how another person chooses to respond is their responsibility, not yours.
The freedom that comes with assertiveness is recognising that you are responsible for your behaviour, not for managing someone else’s emotions. The most assertive thing you can do is say what needs to be said, and let go.
The wrap up
- If you’ve approached a conversation with respect and empathy, another person’s response is ultimately outside your control
- Much of that courage comes from letting go of trying to control other people’s reactions.
- You are responsible for how you communicate—not for managing someone else’s emotions.
- The less energy you spend trying to control the outcome, the more authentic and confident your communication becomes.
