Published: 29 July 2022
By Secure Minds Psychology
After recently conducting a mini survey among parent clients, I discovered which of their child’s misbehaviours they found most upsetting – the resounding answer was “Meltdowns – they’re the worst!” Especially meltdowns in shopping centres… You’re out shopping and, following a small confrontation (“no, you can’t have that toy”), Little Evie has thrown herself to the floor and is now screaming at the top of her lungs. No amount of pleading will stop her high-pitched shrieks. Cue a mixture of terror, embarrassment, shame, and anger from the parent as Evie is dragged off to finish her performance elsewhere… Meltdowns are the worst for all parties!
A close second was aggressive behaviour, which could not be stopped with words (Parent: “Stop hitting your sister Tyson!” Child: Ignores Parent and continues). What is it about ‘bad’ behaviour that is so compelling for the child and so difficult for the parent to stop? Are they doing it on purpose (wilfully and manipulatively)? Or is it poor parenting (inconsistent or non-contingent)? According to Dr Ross Greene, the author of “Explosive Children,” it is neither. Rather, he posits that behaviourally challenging children have typically been poorly understood. Dr Greene believes that the child has learned that explosive behaviour is an effective means of getting attention or coercing others into giving in to their wishes, which has then led to interventions that focus on gaining greater compliance with parent directives through the use of punishments (“do as I say or else!!”) or rewards (“if you behave nicely, you can have a treat”).
Most parents agreed that punishment and reward have not helped with the meltdowns. So what’s going on? Research conducted in the neurosciences over the past 30 years indicates that for the majority of children with explosive, aggressive, or oppositional behaviour, the basis of their difficult behaviour can best be understood as a developmental delay in the areas of flexibility and frustration tolerance. In other words, because of a number of factors, most of these children lack the crucial cognitive skills that are essential for handling frustration, demands for flexibility and adaptability, or have significant difficulty applying them when they are most needed. In terms of Little Evie – she is not being wilful; she just doesn’t know how to manage her feelings of disappointment and frustration (yet).
Dr. Greene’s framework (Collaborative & Proactive Solutions©) takes the position that these children are not choosing to be explosive or non-compliant any more than a child would choose to have a reading disability; rather, they are lacking the skills to manage their frustrations. From this perspective, rather than focusing on the poor behaviour, an opportunity arises for both children and adults to create proactive solutions. There’s also an opportunity for fostering better interpersonal communication with your child, re-establishing positive relationships, and creating experiences that will provide the training and practice in problem-solving skills, flexibility, and frustration tolerance that your child needs to be more successful.
To achieve better outcomes and fewer meltdowns, parents should try to apply the same compassion and approach they would use with other learning disabilities. Start by identifying the barrier, listen empathically to your child’s concerns, and then collaboratively problem-solve the situation (you may need to offer solutions for them if they’re very young). Research also shows that children do better (and we adults do better too!) when they are taught how to overcome a barrier rather than receive punishment for ‘bad’ behaviour. If you would like to learn more about how to apply problem-solving skill training with your child, contact your local psychologist.