Published: 16 May 2022
By Secure Minds Psychology (Copyright Secure Minds Psychology)
I recently visited a friend who is going through a hard time, and when we spoke, he was visibly down, commenting that he was disappointed with himself. He mentioned that he hadn’t been coping and couldn’t understand why he was ‘back here again,’ feeling down and struggling. What struck me most about his concerns was how hard he was being on himself – that is, he was disappointed not about the fact that he had had a difficult time (which he had!) but about the idea that he had let himself down by being unable to manage his moods and thoughts and lacking motivation to complete tasks he had set out for himself.
On reflection, I often find that when my clients are experiencing a difficult time in their lives, they forget that it is completely normal to feel a lack of motivation and to experience listlessness and apathy. I must admit, I am also guilty – I too forget that these responses are the body and mind’s defensive strategies to help minimise further harm and reduce overload to our already overwhelmed system. The problems worsen when we don’t accept these natural and normal responses and instead turn on ourselves with self-blame, self-judgment, and ultimately without compassion. Thus, without realising it, we add insult to injury. Ouch!
As we know, compassion for others leads to them feeling cared for and heard; they feel validated and cared for by the act of another acknowledging that they’re going through a tough time, and taking an ‘easy does it’ approach is the best way forward. Conversely, when we talk about self-compassion, we’re discussing the act of having compassion and care for oneself in times of distress. Research shows that self-compassion may be very useful in buffering the effects of negative life stressors by promoting self-soothing during times of suffering. It may indirectly help you manage life’s stressors by reducing feelings of depression, anxiety, and hopelessness.
So it’s worth remembering that the benefits others feel when you’re showing compassion for them may be the same benefits you experience when you’re being compassionate towards yourself. This may not be easy if you’re not used to ‘going a bit easier’ on yourself; it certainly isn’t for my friend – but sometimes it may just be the right approach.