We’ve all been there, replaying a conversation in our heads when we should be asleep and wishing we’d spoken up, set a boundary, or simply said what we really meant instead staying quiet or giving mixed signals.
Balancing peace and boundaries can be very difficult. On one hand, we are told to put ourselves first, embrace self-care, and the other is to not to cause trouble or be the nail that sticks out. Sometimes, especially for those of us who may be more agreeable in nature, this can cause us to miss opportunities to express needs and lay down boundaries out of fear of putting someone else out.
Whilst this is a nuanced topic, we have listed some tips to help you respect yourself and others in a world where tricky situations in work and personal life are inevitable. In this article, we will explore what assertiveness is, why it is important and how to use this communication style effectively.
What is assertiveness? Assertiveness means being able to stand up for yourself and your needs in a situation, whilst still being fair and respectful of the rights of others. It’s about expressing what your needs are without being rude or unreasonable.
Why is it important?
Self-confidence: Being assertive reinforces your own self-worth as it allows you to draw clear boundaries with others. No one wants to be walked on! By making your needs clear in a respectful and warm way, you show that you value yourself (your health, energy, time ect).
Stress Reduction: Studies have shown that avoiding assertive communication is correlated with higher stress levels. This can manifest in negative internal conflict such as feelings of resentment, exploitation, victimisation or anger or doubt in oneself. Always catering to another’s needs and ignoring your own can also lead to physical and emotional burnout.
Improved relationships: If you consistently make an effort to communicate honestly and clearly in your relationships—whether at school, work, or in your personal life—you are less likely to experience misunderstandings. This approach can also encourage others to communicate in the same way (we often mirror each other without even knowing!), leading to stronger, more positive relationship dynamics.
What assertiveness is not: Assertiveness can sometimes be misinterpreted as aggression. Aggression is the realm we want to avoid and could look like being hostile, uncaring or dismissive of others. When being assertive, be mindful of tone, body language and timing.
Practical examples of what assertiveness can look like: You might like to start small, for example, practising a change in your body language, holding yourself upright, and your shoulders back. It could be practicing “saying no.” For example, you may find yourself needing to politely decline an invitation. In this instance, assertive communication could look like “thank you for thinking of me but I need time to recharge today.”
If you would like to make known your point of view, using the phrase “I understand your view, could I add another perspective?” This is a warm but assertive phrase that shows respect for the other person and isn’t as combative as simply saying no.
If you need to stand your ground, you might want to say something like “I hear where you are coming from, but I still feel strongly about x.” Perhaps you could meet halfway if it’s appropriate, “Whilst I am unable to do x, I can do that y.”
Tips on how to be assertive
Be clear: Meaning, be as clear as possible with what you need. Think about how you can best express your thoughts and feelings succinctly.
Listen: And we mean truly listen. Active listening shows that you value where the other person is coming from and are trying to understand their perspective.
To be assertive successfully means to not only be aware of your own needs and wants, but that of others as well. Acknowledge their needs and work with them with warmth, patience and consideration (where possible) towards an agreement.
Of course, it can be hard at first and it takes courage, but respect follows courage.
References:
Jandhyala, S., & Kumar, N. (2024). Everyday assertiveness and its significance for overall mental well-being. Universal Journal of Public Health, 12(2), 250–257. https://doi.org/10.13189/ujph.2024.120208
Yoshinaga, N., & Cooper, S. (2025). The four pathways of assertiveness: A multidimensional framework for enhancing individual well-being. Frontiers in Psychology, 16, 1610807. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2025.1610807
Alberti, R. E., & Emmons, M. L. (1970). Your perfect right: A guide to assertive behavior. Impact Press.
Pfafman, T. (2017). Assertiveness. In V. Zeigler-Hill & T. K. Shackelford (Eds.), Encyclopedia of personality and individual differences. Springer. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-319-28099-8_1044-1
